I Dont Want To Close My Eyes
by Elendor
Summary: Remus gets a late night visit from the grave. In memory of Sirius Black please read, if not review. Sort of a song fic and SLASH
1. I dont want to miss a thing

I own nothing, ya hear me? Nothing!  
  
Dedicated to my wonderful beta Rina, who assures me not all Americans wear leggings. Remus lays awake thinking and gets a visit from beyond the grave, SLASH SB/RL. Hey, I have the same Initials as Sirius Black, fancy that! The song is by Aerosmith and is called. well, see below.  
  
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing  
  
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
  
While you're far away dreaming  
  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
  
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure  
  
Remus lay awake staring at the empty space beside him teary eyed. He wondered, should he roll over into it? Breathe in the still lingering scent that had once again been denied to him by fate? Did he dare cross the unspoken barrier drawn down the middle of there, wait, HIS bed, to where HE used to sleep?  
  
No, not yet, he wasn't ready just yet. Now was to soon to be close to him again.  
  
Remus Sighed and dragged a hand down over his eyes, he'd had enough of tears. Tears don't bring back the dead. He'd learned that a long time ago. No, now was the time to move on, after all; he should be used to losing his friends to the Dark Lord by now, shouldn't he? Peter, James, Lily. now Sirius.  
  
Sirius wasn't, hadn't, just been his friend though, had he? Padfoot had been everything to him.  
  
'He was my north, my south, my east and west, He was my working week and my Sunday rest'  
  
He sighed, quoting the famous poem by W. H. Auden. Was this how he had felt from his lovers death? Remus didn't blame him. Only now did he really understand the true meaning of those words. He wanted to shut out the world and have a hundred years to grieve, but no, he had to stay strong for Harry.  
  
'Who was there to staying strong for him? The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.'  
  
He felt his eyes fill up once again with tears he refused to shed. He could weep for a millennium and Sirius would still not come back to him. He closed his eyes and turned into his pillow, soaking it through for the fifth night in a row. He didn't want to fall asleep, his dreams where plagued with Sirius' face as he fell through the arch and into death. Or it was dreams about the good times they shared, only to wake up to misery again, he didn't know which was worse.  
  
Don't want to close my eyes  
  
I don't want to fall asleep  
  
Cause I miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
Cause even when I dream of you  
  
The sweetest dream will never do  
  
I still miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
"Where are you Siri?" He all but screamed into the darkness of the pillow before he felt a slight breeze on his shoulder.  
  
"Why I'm right here Moony."  
  
Remus' head snapped up and he grasped at the figure lying beside him, arms crossed over his chest and silly grin on his hansom face.  
  
"Sirius?" he whisperd, disbelieving his eyes, "I thought you would go on!"  
  
Sirius smiled softly and pushed his hair back from his eyes; Remus was reminded of James so suddenly it hurt.  
  
"Calm down Moony, anyone would think you'd seen a ghost." Sirius laughed, "I did choose to go on, but it seems I get to say good bye 'cause I died so quickly."  
  
Remus gave a shuddering sigh and studied Sirius' face closely, knowing he would never see him again flesh, and once more a tear escaped and ran down his face, he wiped it away furiously, reminded of a time not that different from this twenty years ago. Sirius seemed to remember it as well, his expression softened and he smiled sadly.  
  
"Crying over me again Moony? I've not seen you do that in such a long time," His voice was soft, careful, "and like I told you back then; I'm not worth your sorrow."  
  
"And if I remember correctly I told you to shut up and kiss me."  
  
"Is that what you want now?"  
  
"Yes." And so he did, but instead of the Cigarettes and alcohol he usually tasted of by nightfall; there was nothing. And although Remus could feel the shadow of what would be solid flesh and silky hair underneath his fingertips, it wasn't really Sirius. They broke apart when Remus' need for oxygen became too much for him. The man buried his face into Sirius' neck, holding him tight as if he was afraid Sirius would disappear if he didn't.  
  
"Have you seen James?" he asked after a couple of minutes, dreading the answer he was longing to hear.  
  
"Yes. They're happy, you should see it, we can be any age, think about it Remus, teenagers again!"  
  
"Did they ask for Harry?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And?"  
  
Sirius sighed, "I told them, everything, but it doesn't matter anymore. He'll die anyway, sooner or later. And when he does, he'll go to them and have a proper childhood."  
  
Remus was somewhat taken aback by Sirius' complete lack of concern about the little boy, as if Sirius could read his mind he continued, "This is like, just a practice life, Moony. Wait, wait until you see paradise.'  
  
"You should have gone to Harry."  
  
"You need this more than he does, and besides, I needed to tell. to tell you something."  
  
Sirius turned his head so he could look at the blank wall beside him and brought a hand up to run through Remus' Hair, pulling it through his finger. Remus sighed as his eyes fell shut, old familiarities. He was falling asleep, and Sirius let him doze for a minute, god knew how little sleep the man had lost over the past week. He watched the sandy haired Man repeatedly trying to wake himself up. And then falling back into what seemed to be a pleasant dream, his lip quirking into a smile every now and again.  
  
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating  
  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
  
Then I kiss your eyes  
  
And thank God we're together  
  
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever  
  
Forever and ever  
  
Remus seemed to finally manage to wake himself up for Sirius, and blinking, stared up at him.  
  
"I never said this when I was alive."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I wanted to, gods did I want to."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I. love you, Remus."  
  
Those four little words where too much for Remus, he buried his face into Sirius Jumper, "Please please don't let this be a dream, Paddy, please!" he choked out.  
  
"Shhh, shhh honey its not a dream, lover." Sirius held him tighter, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back.  
  
"Take me with you."  
  
"No, no love, you've got to stay alive."  
  
"Oh really? Remind me, why?" Remus said bitterly, causing Sirius to frown slightly, Remus could be sarcastic, cynical even, but he was never bitter.  
  
"You've got some things to do before you die. Be happy while you're living for you're a long time dead, Remus."  
  
"What if I can't get to you, what if monsters go some place else?"  
  
"You're not a monster Remus."  
  
Silence.  
  
"How long have you got with me?"  
  
"About half an hour now."  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
"Yuh huh?"  
  
"Will. god, this sounds lame, and it's like something out of a teen movie."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Make love to me Siri?" Sirius smiled, it didn't sound lame, not when it was Remus saying it. Moving his hands down to cup Remus' backside Remus looked at him questioningly.  
  
"Do you think we can, what with you being a. what ever you are?" Sirius lifted his hips up to brush against Remus, showing that yes, they very much could have sex.  
  
"There's one way to fid out." Remus moved to press his lips against Sirius', his hands tugging at his jumper. Sirius' hands were at Remus' Boxers, breaking the kiss so his jumper could be pulled over his head he panted  
  
"When have you ever worn anything in our bed, naughty boy, you know I don't like it."  
  
"Mmm, you'll have to punish me."  
  
"Oh you will be."  
  
Sirius rolled them over so he could pin Remus down beneath him, who growled in the back of his throat, ripping Sirius' Jeans down with his hands and then with his feet, a skill perfected over the years. Sirius laughed at his lovers' determination. He was going to miss this, him. Still, two years and Remus would be back with him, if not sooner, the stress would be the final evil that got him in the end.  
  
Unbuttoning Remus' boxers slowly instead of making use of the elastic, Sirius Smiled at Remus' impatient little noises, his pretty little boy. Remus tried to regain his composure as Sirius leaned over to get some lubricant from the bedside cabinet. This had to last forever. Sirius inserted one finger into his love. Remus closed his eyes but not because of the pain, he'd done this far too many times in his lifetime for this to be sore.  
  
"I love you Sirius. I swear I'll never, ever be with anyone but you again."  
  
"Love you too."  
  
Another finger, and then another, and then a brush against his prostrate making Remus gasp and grab hold of Sirius' back, his nails dragging down, soon the fingers were gone and being replaced by something much better.  
  
"Make it slow, Siri."  
  
"I wouldn't dream of anything else."  
  
Sirius entered Remus gently, leaning down to kiss him and wrapping a hand around his erection, making Remus groan into his mouth. Slowly they made love, Sirius stroking Remus' length in time with his thrusts until it sent them both over the edge. They lay in silence afterwards; the only sound was Remus' breathing. Slowly as the time past, Sirius let his lover drift almost into sleep before speaking.  
  
"Remus, love?"  
  
"Wha?" Remus muttered sleepily, Sirius' lips moved into a smile of sheer agony, to do this to Remus now.  
  
"Tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll think this was all a dream. It wasn't, but you'll think it was."  
  
Remus opened his eyes wide in protest, shaking his sandy head. "No I-"  
  
"You will. Just know that I love you, ok? And that I'm waiting for you."  
  
"I-"  
  
"Shhh, sleep now, my lovely one, beauty."  
  
Remus shook his head even as his eyelids closed. "I don't want to close my eyes, you wont be here when I wake up."  
  
Sirius chuckled softly and prodded Remus on the nose gently, " You're just like Steve Tyler: I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, Cause I'd miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing, Cause even when I dream of you, The sweetest dream will never do, I'd still miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing."  
  
He sang it in a hushed whisper, waiting till Remus was asleep before uncurling his arm from around him and getting off of there bed and kneeling down beside it, as if in prayer.  
  
"No one could ever love me like you did, no one has or will and I'm so completely alone, even with James and Lily there." He pushed his hair out of his eyes, getting angry at himself at the hot tears pouring down his face, " Knowing that only in your death will I find relief is more of a torture than you will ever be able to know."  
  
He stood up, wandered around the bed to lean on their desk, picking up a quill his played around with it in his fingers before continuing.  
  
"Sometimes, I feel its like I've got stuck in a vast puddle of black mud, and its pulling me down into it, tearing away my flesh and my happiness until I'm just bare bone, I wonder if this is hell. I can feel the mud pouring down my throat, through my ears, my nose. I cough, only in succeeding to send more of the retched death down into my lungs. It freezes me from the inside out; the last thing I see as I go under is a cloudless yellow sky. The colour of you're eyes was the last thing I saw." Sighing, he looked at his lovers sleeping form for the last time before he would be gone from Remus' mortal life forever.  
  
I don't want to miss one smile  
  
I don't want to miss one kiss  
  
I just want to be with you  
  
Right here with you, just like this  
  
I just want to hold you close  
  
Feel your heart so close to mine  
  
And just stay here in this moment  
  
For all the rest of time  
  
* * *  
  
Remus climbed into his little Volkswagen Beetle and revved up his engine. He could probably do with getting a new car but he'd fallen in love with the bug. It would be like selling your grandmother. Turning on the radio an old favourite came filtering through the speakers, you couldn't really get better than Aerosmith, James hadn't liked most of their songs but all of them had like this one, it was probably half way done by the sound of Steve Tyler's voice  
  
I don't want to close my eyes  
  
I don't want to fall asleep  
  
Cause I'd miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
Cause even when I dream of you  
  
The sweetest dream will never do  
  
I'd still miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
Remus felt a pang of something. There was something very important about those words, but he couldn't figure it out. Turning it up full blast, he could almost here Sirius laughing at him as he screamed out the last chorus and it made him smile.  
  
'I don't want to close my eyes  
  
I don't want to fall asleep  
  
Cause I'd miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
Cause even when I dream of you  
  
The sweetest dream will never do  
  
I'd still miss you babe  
  
And I don't want to miss a thing  
  
Don't want to close my eyes  
  
I don't want to fall asleep  
  
I don't want to miss a thing'  
  
*Sniff* yes well, I'm feeling very emotional just now, f*ck off if you didn't like it, *snnnnnnnnniff* SIRIUS BLACK IS NOT DEAD!!!!!! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!!! For those of you who read Poisoned Letters, sorry, but Remus Lupin has taken over my mind and I cant actually write anything else right now, but I'm working on it, I promise, the most I'll be at it is two weeks. Please R/R this has been my first song fic!!!! Love, peace and sour skittles Elendor xxxxxxxxxxxxxx 


	2. Smile

**Ok, this is really just to finish off, to let you all know that Remus did find the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel**

**I wasn't sure about putting this up, I thought it was good the way it was, but this is part two, and they were written together, so if everyone objects I'll take it off, and the first chapter will stand on its own.**

**Thank you all for your reviews, and for taking the time to read.**

**Smile**

The war was over, the war that had raged on for eight long years after Sirius' sudden death and after Remus had lost the will to live, to be truthful he didn't seem to care that Voldemort was gone for good, there was no one left with him to celebrate with him.

Ron, Hermione, dead

Dumbledore, dead

Even Severus, poor, poor misunderstood Severus was dead.

That boy that had berated Harry, Draco Malfoy, he was dead too, threw himself in front of Harry two years ago to keep him alive, Remus had a nagging suspicion even Draco had been surprised by that one, Harry had…

Harry was dead.

The bond between Harry and Voldemort had been too strong, much too powerful to be broken completely, when the prediction had stated that neither could live while the other was alive, it had neglected to mention that neither could die while the other still drew breath either. One of the many cruel twists of fate, Remus supposed.

_Smile,  
though your heart is aching  
Smile,  
Even though it's breaking  
when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by_

Some part of him was screaming out that it wasn't fair, and he, who out of all of them should have been the first to go, was still alive, that was he never to find release unless he took his own life?

He was sick to death of living his life as an empty shell!

Hush, he thought, if that's the case baby then release is on the way.

He was walking quickly and quietly through the last battlefield, the only noise around him was the quiet chirping of crickets and a slight rustling through the grass of small animals out for meat. Stone cold corpses lay all around him as he supposed they must, seeing as there was no one left to clear them away, and he wasn't wasting any more time on this earth giving nameless faceless dead people a decent burial, they could go to hell. It was with a bitter laugh that he realized half of them where probably on their way there.

Britain WAS in a bit of a mess now, wasn't it?

The last battle had taken place in Dover, and, grinning a little sadistically, Remus made his way over to the cliffs.

_If you smile,  
through your fear and sorrow  
Smile,  
and maybe tomorrow  
you'll see the sun come shining through for you_

Thunder clouds rolled over head, threatening to pour, let them rain, he was soon going to be very wet anyway.

The sky was a murky yellow colour, fitting in someway, and as he was staring up to them the heavens burst open and down came the angel tears, splashing on his face and hiding his own from a world that couldn't see them anyway, blinking, he beamed, face lighting up in all the wrong places, throwing his hands up to god and laughing in a horrifyingly unnatural way, for so long he'd pushed away his sorrow so that he could be a steady pillar for Harry to lean on, well guess what? The marble building that had been their reality was melting under acid showers and Remus was slowly eroding away to his core.

Besides, Harry wasn't in any state to lean on anyone.

Is it ok to cry now?

_Light up your face with gladness  
Hide every trace of sadness  
although a tear maybe ever so near_

A song came to mind, a song sung by a woman called Diana Ross, it was a song sung so that even when you couldn't possibly feel any lower singing it was supposed to cheer you up so you could smile and carry on, knowing that things wouldn't get any worse, couldn't possibly get any worse, but as Remus saw it, things couldn't possibly get any better either, throwing back his head, he sang, voice breaking, hot and cold water on his cheeks;

_'That's the time  
You must keep on trying  
Smile,  
What's the use of crying  
You'll find that life is still worth while  
If you,  
Just smile'_

He wanted Sirius, he wanted Sirius so badly. That this was it, the end, he refused to live on this earth that had been so cruel to him: the death of his mother, bitten by the wolf, seventh year Hogwarts and killing his own father, losing James, Lily, Peter, taking Sirius, losing his only job, giving Siri back just to rip him away again, The Dream, the great war, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione Albus, Sev, Mini, Tonks, Mad eye, Draco, Harry, everyone but him!

Everyone but him who deserved it most of all.

_That's the time  
You must keep on trying  
Smile,  
What's the use of crying  
You'll find that life  
Life is still worth while_

Then it really was the end, he stepped of the ledge, air whizzed past him, the sea came nearer, sweet, salty frothy blue, black, grey release, it probably wouldn't even hurt…

_If…_

Darkness, bliss and utopia, was that the smell of… buttercups and… fresh grass?

_You…_

'Oh god! Sirius! Siri he's here! Lover boy's arrived!

'What? WHAT? OH JAMES IF YOU ARE KIDDING ME I WILL KILL YOU!'

Footsteps running…

'I am not! Look! By the looks of it he's still out, slap him.'

The feeling of grass underneath his fingertips, fresh grass, he'd forgotten what that had felt like five years ago when Britain had turned barren.

'I will not slap a just-dead guy!'

_Just…_

Remus opened his eyes blurredly blue skies and fluffy white clouds danced just out of reach, as well as the stars and the big full moon.

He wasn't wolfing out…

Two faces above his James, Sirius, both looking as beautiful as the day they met, so many memories.

Both Brown eyes and Blue lighting up when they see his own yellow ones peering up at them.

'Sirius?' his voice is rough, hoarse, like he's not used it in centuries, and its younger, much younger, and so is he.

Sirius is different too, he's… he's 23.

'Remus, Remus, my lover, welcome home beautiful'

_Smile…_

And he did.

**FINI**


End file.
